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28 March 2011 @ 02:22 am
Do you think kids should learn about sex in school, and why?

Yes, because usually parents cannot be trusted to actually care about their children's safety and wellbeing instead of worrying about the destruction of the concept of innocence in children that clearly doesn't exist in the first place, what with children knowing precisely how to hurt and destroy each other as proof.
03 March 2011 @ 04:10 am
How would you react if you found out someone plagiarized your work and published it?

I'd chase them down with a chainsaw a la Jason.
28 February 2011 @ 02:36 am
Which movie would you show to aliens to represent humans and human nature?

....The Aliens trilogy.
16 October 2010 @ 08:49 pm
Yesterday was made of awesome. I finally got my ass up and out of the house to go meditate under my favorite sycamore tree at Coffman Park. I had chosen to do the popular tree-meditation, where you gather energy up from the center of the earth with your roots and cleansing energy from the stars with your branches. This may not seem like much, but I consider it a breakthrough. I designed a ritual, but every time I think about doing it, I get anxious. So I haven't gotten around to doing it. I'm trying to go over basics again such as grounding and centering. While I was meditating, I got in touch with Lucifer, Apollo, and Artemis. I could feel their love for me, and it was nothing but love. I couldn't hold onto the feeling for long though because it began to frighten me, so I let it go before I got too high. The tree of life touched in as well, and I had nothing but fear for that entity. The first encounter with it was rough back in November, and I'm never sure whether it wants to hurt me or help me when it shows up again. But it insisted on coming through, so I let it. It helped me establish my roots a bit better, and afterwards I had a nice walk home. I found a song, this song actually, and it really helped me feel better than I have in a long time.

I tried to do the same meditation today, but when I got to the park Sarah wound up calling me and I talked to her instead. It was still nice to get out of the house, though. It got me thinking about my deities today. I'm as afraid of them as I am of the rest of magick, because I'm scared of voices coming back. One of the things the voices kept harassing me about was my inadequacy, and they made sure I felt like shit 24/7. It carried over, and I can't help but feel that way with my deities, and I always feel like I should be doing more. I never know what to do though, because I never really figured out how to magickally and spiritually work with deities. Before I really cared about them, I always worked with spirits and servitors, and I never did much more than pay homage to them by feeding them energy and doing paintings of them.

I think, and I'm no longer very sure of myself, that they keep telling me that they'll guide me. I trust that they will, and perhaps I should just leave it at that.

I had more to say, but when I got here I just didn't feel like saying it. Eh, oh well.
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: It's a Beautiful Day - Paul Oakenfold
09 October 2010 @ 01:11 am
I had an interesting conversation with my ex, Elise. I must say that I'm extremely grateful that I've never had to burn any bridges with any ex-girlfriends. I'm still friends with all of them and there's no animosity between anyone.

Anyway, I'm very paranoid right now. Not in the sense that I think that something is after me. Just, I'm not sure how to describe this fear except that it was at similar depths as when I was in the mental institution. It often comes with no real reason behind it, except to remind me that something dangerous is lurking around me, and that if I get off my anti-psychotics it will attack again. Maybe I should rescind my previous words and say that yes, I do think something is after me, but it's more so after me in a way that it can't be in a physical way. Whatever happens physically is just a symptom of what it's really doing to me.

I've been having flashbacks of some of the things I went through. Particularly towards the beginning where everything's kind of a blur. I don't really remember how it all started. Just bits and pieces. One of the things I was reminded of from a book that was teaching trance techniques was that I was experimenting with trance. The technique I do is the sensation of moving down in an elevator until I'm at the level of trance I wanted to be. In the experiment I wanted to see what would happen if I moved up. I don't remember what happened after that experiment, just that later on my higher self showed up as a voice, though at the time I didn't recognize it as a voice. Also, I don't know if I just made that up or not. Things around me keep reminding me of what I went through, such as that book, which ironically mentioned that moving up in the elevator takes you to your higher self.

Also, trees. I've been seeing the subject of trees a lot lately, even in my own discussions with people. Then people started talking about the tree of life, and I don't recall if I shared the story of the tree of life in this journal. It was a terrifying and long experience that I don't feel like explaining right now. If you really want to know, ask and I'll tell you. I know I've mentioned following my obsessions as a way of reading omens when something wants my attention. The thought occurred to me that maybe the tree of life wants my attention for something. I'm not sure I'm willing to approach it, I'm truly that terrified of it. I'm also morbidly curious at the same time, so I may do a tarot reading about it later.

The talk with Elise made me realize something. I'm willing to accept that magick truly works, but not willing to believe it exists at the same time. I think I know why this thought occurred. When I was insane, I had a sincerely difficult time telling the difference between reality and imaginary. It made me terrified. I think I'm still having trouble, particularly with magick since it happens to be so nebulous and ridiculed. The only thing that helped me while going insane was that if everyone else believed something was real, it was a good indication that it probably was. Yup, that's how I functioned. I depended on the help of a lot of other people's realities. I kept asking Emi what the entities were actually saying, probably to the point that it annoyed her or left her not knowing what else to say.

These fears I keep having are probably also the same reason I haven't really done anything magical in the past year. But I'm trying to fix that by reading some books that I trust. One book was able to break down magick for me in a more believable, sans-religion fashion, but it relied heavily on trance-work. I really think I should stay away from trance, not because it might make me insane again, but because I'll probably do nothing but relive last fall because trance was not too different from what I constantly felt, except I couldn't end it. Pathworking also gives me the creeps, I won't feel like I have that much control over my mind again.

That's it for this time.
Current Mood: nervousnervous
Current Music: Nightwish - Elvenpath
30 September 2010 @ 01:53 am
I started playing Shadow, Sarah's character, on Furcadia so I can get closer to her. As I played her, I began to feel her presence like I used to when I played characters. It was a rather frightening experience. For a while when I played my characters, I tossed out the entities and just played with dollies instead. I've become callous to my own characters, and for some of them I outright torture them without caring what truly happens to them because I'm still angry at them for what happened last November. But Shadow I actually started caring about, even though before all this she was one of my least favorite entities to deal with. She's probably the only entity I've outright had arguments with. I guess differences got set aside though, because she's being extra gentle with me. She doesn't try to influence my playing and probably knows better not to right now. She just sits back and observes. It's a little strange playing her, because Furcadia's not quite the ideal setting for her since it's a very slutty environment. I become downright afraid of playing her the wrong way in fear of the entity doing something in retaliation. The interesting thing was she kept getting characters who didn't want to do anything sexual, and when they did they would suddenly get tired for no reason and go to bed, or talk out of character for a while instead. I even found a possible, rare, golden, good long-term rpg partner.

I keep assuming Shadow's out to get me while I feel her presence and play her at the same time. It brings back bad memories, but I want to push through it. She's being non-judgmental as far as I know, and is doing probably what exactly needs to be done.

I had a talk with my therapist about over-use of the entities in magick. I feel kind of lost in magick because I don't really have any other focus other than the entities. I feel like I should be more pro-active in it, but I'm not entirely sure with what. I suppose I could focus on the physical aspects of my life such as moving in with Sarah, but whenever I look at "spells" or even think of the word "spell" a bunch of red flags go off in my head and declare the whole thing ridiculous fantasy. Ever since I broke I just can't take looking at spells, especially ones wih poems, very seriously.

I think it's time to shut up and go to bed. Ni ni.
09 September 2010 @ 01:52 am
Who knows? I suppose it's my call to make. I started working with water a couple months ago, but nothing manifested until recently. I've mentioned before that I pay attention to my silly obsessions, because usually they point out something I need to know. It started with tattoos, then to Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender. I wanted to make a tattoo of her bloodbending, because the episode where she learns it was stuck in my head. At first I thought it was just a frivolous thing that was just something to enjoy for the first time in a long while. But I noticed that Katara acted a little bit like an entity that wanted my attention for something more, such as showing her presence during songs that she "claimed" to like, which was something a lot of my entities did. I paid her the attention she wanted, and while I was in Ravenna with Sarah we pieced together a few things. In the bloodbending episode, Katara is forced to learn something she doesn't want to learn. At first I thought it had to do with being able to forcibly control my entities, which was something that the voices drove home with me to upset me, but also to make a point. I didn't know whether I could control them or not, but the voices were trying to convince me that I created them and had control over every word and motion they did, whether I wanted it or not. Just like Katara had control over another person's body. Then Sarah pointed something else out, which was merely the idea of learning something I didn't want to learn. We did a tarot reading, and she drew Icarus. She explained it as this: I was trying too hard to get closer to the entities and the otherside to hear them better, and I wound up stepping too far into the insanity part of doing that. I flew too close to the sun and fell to my doom. It's basically saying that it's my own fault that I started hearing voices, which is not something I want to accept right now as a truth, so I'm only accepting it as a possibility right now. Nothing's for sure with this mess, and I'm not willing to accept any answer as the only answer.

Katara's been silent since then. I don't know if it's over with her or not, but she may or may not return. I went to a pagan festival in Bedford that same weekend, and I got to talking to someone about my ordeal. She took a good look at me, and she's not the first to point this out, but whatever "bad" entities I might have attracted, still haven't left. She suggested sea salt baths every now and then, and wearing stones around my ankles since my spirit gets ungrounded so easily. I chose hematite, since it's a good grounding stone and it's known for giving mental clarity. Plus it's relatively inexpensive. So now I'm sitting here with rocks around my ankles. At first I wasn't sure if it would really do anything, but I've gone through a complex thought process that lead me to this realization: my psychotic break has created a lot of confusion in my life. I'm not going to bother listing everything off, because that's just too much to type in the time I have left before my sleep aid kicks in. I did a lot of thinking about why I wasn't doing any magick. I thought that it might be because most of my needs are being met, but that didn't entirely make sense. But I reviewed all that I've tried to do, and I came up with a reason. I'm too clouded to think straight about them. There are too many traumas stopping me, and most of all, I'm just plain confused about everything now. So I think the next thing to focus on is clarity. I need to clean the water, and I need to think about this for a while and plan my moves carefully. I think I'm going to let the hematite guide me and take some more advice from Avatar. Namely, King Bumi: Wait and listen. As much as I want to jump in an try to do some magick about all this clarity, I don't think it would be wise right now. I've been in the dark for so long that I think if I blew everything away right away, I'd be blinded by the light. I wish I knew the next step beyond this, but I don't. I'm afraid I'm going to see things I'm not going to be willing to accept or they might distract me from the bigger picture. I think I may need to find a gentle guide somehow. Too bad I'm not very good at shamanic practices.

I think I beat my sleep aid, so now it's time to just sit here and wait to get sleepier.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Here comes the rain again - Cruxshadows
17 August 2010 @ 10:58 am
It seems like a lot of people I know are despairing one way or another. Wish I could say that I'm excluded from that lot, but the suicidal thoughts are more rampant now that I've returned from Japan. I wasn't all that suicidal until I got on the plane to head back to the U.S.. They haven't stopped since then. I've mostly been despairing over moving in with Sarah. She says she'll help me and support me while I go find a job, but I'm plum scared that I won't ever find a job. I'm scared that Sarah will get fed up with me or get annoyed that I'm just taking advantage of her. Gods know, I got a lot of that from Maryam and I don't think I ever really got over the vitriol that happened there. I keep envisioning myself jumping in front of that train in Kent that runs all the time, or slitting my wrists and sitting in a tub of warm water while I bleed out. All because I failed. I was excited that Sarah wanted to help me like that, but I'm not stupid. I've come to learn that favors and gestures come with strings attached, no matter how much the person claims they love you. There's always going to be a level of expectations, and I hate being expected to do anything. I'd rather do things because I want to.

I learned yesterday that another side-effect of Risperdal is dysphoria, which might explain why I don't really enjoy anything anymore. I play videogames because I'm angry, not because I want to have fun. I can't achieve fun anymore. I didn't really even have all that much fun in Japan, except in the presence of food. My sister did her best to ruin things, and I did my best to ignore her. I made some stupid moves at first such as talking to her, and I quickly remembered why I generally refuse to start any conversation with her and continue any that she tries to start. I got proselytized so much about vegetarianism and the environment, that, even though I do care about the environment, I wanted to eat a huge prime rib steak on paper plates sold to me by Wal-mart just to spite her.

I've been doing more research on different forms of suicide. I knew before that it was difficult to commit suicide, but, as I suspected, it's difficult to even kill yourself with a gunshot to the head. Sometimes it takes more than one shot, and sometimes you still survive. I don't want to cripple myself. The only thing I found that might give a good, clean kill is carbon monoxide. I would just have to pull it off in a way that I wouldn't be taking out several other people along with me. I found some research on it that someone else did. You just pass out, and hopefully no one finds you in time to wake you up into a permanent state of brain damage. It's kind of depressing, how difficult it is to kill yourself that is. I'd probably still not be that brave. I know I would leave Sarah and a few other people in a terrible state, but sitting around and being a failure isn't that much better either. Feeling down all the time gets tiring.

And don't think I haven't tried to fix this. The last time I went to the doctor I asked about Welbutrin, but I got ignored and had to fight them just to get the anti-psychotics. They were more worried about me possibly being a drug addict (to Risperdal? Fuck off.) than actually being sick. I'll persist again next time. Really, I just want off this stupid drug. The really fucked up thing is that one, Risperdal blocks serotonin and dopamine, and the last anti-depressant I was on was supposed to restore those chemicals. I may as well have not been on the Risperdal at all.
Current Mood: sorehopeless
Current Music: Youtube stuff.
18 July 2010 @ 01:52 am
I hate myself and I deserve to die.

The reasons were long and descriptive, but LJ deleted it all.

But I should just go kill myself. End of entry.
11 July 2010 @ 11:37 pm
I went running again today. It hurt a lot less this time, and I think it's because I waited a few days instead of going again as soon as I had originally planned. My muscles aren't as sore, though I am still just running short distances, then walking longer distances. I suppose they might hurt tomorrow when I get up, but I guess I won't know until then.

I haven't done any of my entities yet. It's not out of disbelief, it's more about laziness. I just haven't been up to doing it. I really think I should do something so that I get satisfied with laziness and get the energy to go do other, more productive things like magick.